What It's Like
by E. Limberg
Summary: Mac helps Stella cope after Frankie. What will Mac do when he hears what she said in her sleep? Spoilers All Access and Stealing Home. MS in later chapters. Character death.
1. Because of You

**What It's Like**

**Chapter 1: Because of You**

"_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far"  
_

Stella walked around her home, her safe place. But it no longer felt safe to her. Now that she was finally home as she wanted, Stella couldn't take it all. Just last night it had happened: she shot her boyfriend, Frankie, but in self-defense. She had spent every minute since regaining consciousness trying to forget the ordeal. Only there were a few problems: one, she was in a hospital being treated like a victim, which she supposed she was; two, Flack was trying to make sense of what happened by questioning her, forcing her to remember, sometimes more than she wanted; three, her apartment was a crime scene and still a mess that her best friend and partner had to process to understand what she went through.

Then to top it off this same person, Mac, had shut her out. Now she really needed to be with someone, away from this hell, but all he had offered was a hotel. There she'd still be alone even if she did not have to relive the event. So she told him to take her home. And Mac had let her go up, knowing she wasn't ready to see her apartment, especially when it wasn't cleaned up yet.

Seeing it all was too much for her: the table set for dinner, her dried blood in the bathtub, his blood on her rug, and that stupid statue he had given her. That was how she found out about the website and broken up with him. So he decided to kill her. No one knew exactly what had caused Frankie to do this to her. Stella had so many questions no one but Frankie would ever be able to answer. Therefore she would never get the answers.

Needing to escape Stella lay on the couch in the lobby with her bag, packed, for she didn't know who to turn to for help. Any of her co-workers would have been glad to help, but Stella wanted, even needed Mac. But he chose to abandon her.

_  
"Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid"  
_

"_I'm going to teach you a thing or two about crime scenes," Frankie said. All of a sudden Stella was back in the bathtub trying to free herself before he came back to kill her. Blood dripped from her fingers as she broke free not a second too soon. Knocking Frankie over, Stella ran from him, to her gun. Frankie came running and jumped on top of her, getting the gun. This time he did take the safety off and shot at her. The first bullet missed, but the second caught her in the stomach. Stella bent over clutching her stomach to stop blood from pouring out, but it was no use. "Someone's going to call the police, and your precious Mac will come for you. He'll be too late; by the time he arrives you'll be long gone. But don't worry, Stella, you'll see him soon for I will kill him too. Goodbye, Stella."_

"_No, Frankie, how could you? I loved you," Stella whispered as her eyes fluttered shut forever. Within fifteen minutes Mac was there checking her neck for a pulse. Not finding one his eyes tear up._

"_Not you too, Stel. I can't do this again. I love you," Mac said to Stella, knowing she couldn't hear him. _

"_Don't worry, Mac. You'll see her again very soon," Frankie stepped out of the shadows, and before Mac could do anything, he had a bullet in his chest. He fell beside Stella, blood quickly leaving his body. _

"_I love you, Stella."_

"_Aw, how cute. Two lovers, partners, dying beside one another."_

"No, get away, Frankie! Don't hurt Mac! You SOB, how could you do this to me?" Stella shouts in her sleep. She wiggles kind of like forcing an invisible person from her and almost falls off the couch. This attracts the attention of a man entering the building. He walks over to the couch and grabs Stella's wrists to settle her, not succeeding.

"Stella! Stel, wake up. You're safe with me," he says putting a hand on her shoulder and the other on her cheek as she wakes.

_  
"I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with"  
_

"Mac, what are you doing here?" Stella asks when her eyes focus on him kneeling beside her.

"I came to make sure you're alright. Why are you down here?" he stands as she moves so she is sitting.

"I couldn't handle it. The blood, the statue, it's just not home anymore, Mac. I don't feel safe after… Frankie tried to kill me," Mac pulls her into a hug as the tears come.

"It's alright, Stella. I shouldn't have let you see that. I knew you weren't ready for this. But why didn't you get a cab to my place or go to someone else's or get a hotel?" Mac asks as she sobs into his shoulder.

Stella pulls back to answer so he could hear her. 'If I had gone to a hotel, I would have been alone, and I can't be alone right now with only my memory and fears. You're the only one I could be with now, so everyone else was out of the question, plus I didn't want more questions about it. I know you won't until I'm ready. But you shut me out, just left me here to deal with it!" Stella goes into another bout of crying.

"I'm sorry, Stella. I didn't think you would be comfortable with me. Or even trust me."

"I do, Mac. You're the only person I totally trust after him. I mean, I know the others wouldn't do anything equal to that but… I just… I trusted Frankie, and he hurt me. He even went so far as to try to kill me," Stella says while he rubs her back in somewhat of a circle pattern.

"He can't hurt you now, Stella. Come on, let's go back to my place," Mac picks up her bag and leads her to his car.

_  
"Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid"  
_

"You can have my bed, and I'll sleep on the couch. I still have paperwork to do so I won't disturb you. Call me if you need anything or if you just want to talk. You're welcome to any food you find in the kitchen and the TV or whatever else you want," Mac says as they enter his apartment.

"I don't mind the couch, Mac. You keep your room. Thanks for this. I know you like to keep to yourself and all," Stella says laying down after sliding out of her shoes.

"If you insist."

"I'm not moving, Mac, so I insist," Stella closes her eyes.

"Would you like something to eat or drink?"

"A glass of water if you don't mind," Stella replies sliding off her jacket.

"Here," Mac returns with her water as well as pillow and blanket. He sits at a nearby table to finish paperwork, glad to keep an eye on her.

"Why are you doing paperwork now, Mac? It's after midnight," Stella opens her eyes to watch him.

"Well, now's as good as any other time. Plus I have to have it done by lunch tomorrow and who know what cases there'll be for us then," Mac answers. "I can move somewhere else if the light is distracting you from sleep," he offers, hoping not to move so he can continue to watch over her, protect her.

"No, it's fine. I'll probably be up all night 'cause as you most likely gathered I see him when I close my eyes. So I'm sorry if I bother you during the night," Stella rolls onto her stomach because it was too painful to lay on her bruised back. "He shot you. In my dream, obviously. You found me on the floor, and I had been shot. But you were too late to save me. Then he came out of the shadows and told you you would see me soon," Stella says after awhile.

"That explains why you shouted my name in your sleep," Mac remarks.

"I didn't say anything too bad, did I?"

"Well, you called Frankie an SOB. That's all I heard. Go to sleep, Stella. You're safe here."

"G'night, Mac," Stella says before closing her eyes again.

"Night, Stel. Sweet dreams," he whispers. She smiles at this, even laughs a little.

_  
"I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing"  
_

"_You killed me, Stella. I'm going to kill you," Frankie shouted. _

"_No, I love you, Frankie. Why, why did you do this?" Stella pleaded in the bathtub again._

"_You hurt me so I'm hurting you," Frankie made a long, jagged cut on her arm._

_Stella fought to keep from screaming in pain. "You already hurt me with your sick website. Who knows how many people saw that?"_

"_Well, they're going to see this too. Come on, one last time before I kill you," he moved aside to allow Stella to see the video camera and pulled off his shirt._

"_No."_

"_What was that, Stella?"_

"_No, I'm not letting you do this to me. Go-" Stella was cut off by Frankie kissing her._

"_You see, I love you too, Stella. I didn't deserve to die just because of some website." He grabbed his knife a made another cut, this time one her collarbone. "Every time you resist me, you get another cut. So should I continue carving or kissing?" Stella didn't answer so he put the knife on her leg._

"No, Frankie, stop. I love you." Mac sits in his chair watching her unsure whether to wake her or let her continue the nightmare; if she went back to sleep it would continue anyway.

"Stella?"

"Mac, help me," Stella shouts, still dreaming. "No, don't kill Mac, Frankie. I love him."

"He froze at her last statement. "Stella?" Mac says, touching her leg softly.

"I'm in the bathroom, Mac. Hurry before Frankie- Ow!"

"Stella? Stel, it's alright. I've got you; nobody will hurt you while I'm here." Stella finally wakes up and rolls over to face him but falls off the couch because she was too close to the edge.

"Ow," she mumbles as Mac offers her a hand. "Thanks. See you haven't gone to bed yet."

"I was about to, then you started talking in your sleep, and I figured I better wake you."

"Mind staying up a little longer? I've got some questions. I don't think you can really answer them, but maybe together we can work out an explanation," Stella says.

_  
"Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I try my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
Because of you  
I am afraid  
Because of you  
Because of you"_

**A/N: "Because of You" Kelly Clarkson. I heard this song and the chorus reminded me so much about what Stella must be going through. So I decided to write a story using six songs. It's kind of sad at the end, okay really sad at the end, just to warn you. Please review!**


	2. Kryptonite

**Chapter 2: Kryptonite**

"_I took a walk around the world  
To ease my troubled mind  
I left my body laying somewhere  
In the sands of time  
But I watched the world float  
To the dark side of the moon  
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah"  
_

"You don't have to stay up. I understand you have to work tomorrow. It just bothers me that I'll never get these questions answered because I killed the only person who could answer them," Stella continues.

"I don't mind, Stella really, it's okay I'm used to getting little sleep," Mac assures her.

"Alright, did Frankie want me to find the website, or was my discovering of it just a mistake? But why then would he name the statue aresanob and give me clues on how to find the website?"

"Well, I think he wanted you to find it, or he wouldn't have given you the key, the name of the website. Unless he seriously thought a detective wouldn't do research," Mac jokes, but Stella doesn't know what to think.

"Was the website really just a celebration for our love, or was Frankie really some sick sex predator or something like that?" she shivers at the thought; she was a trained detective yet somehow she had become a victim of domestic violence and possible sex crimes like many victims she brought justice to everyday.

"I think it was definitely more than a celebration. Who celebrates by putting videos, private moments, on the internet, especially when the person doesn't know about what is being done? Nothing came up on the background check we did, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen before. Why didn't you call me or someone when you found the website? We could have arrested him before he attacked you," Mac asks softly trying not to sound angry. It was, after all, her choice to press charges. Mac still couldn't believe this had happened to her

"I don't know, Mac. I guess I was embarrassed. Honestly I had no idea he would react like that when I broke up with him. I remember going into work the next couple days wondering if any of our colleagues had seen the website for some reason."

"You couldn't have known."

_  
"I watched the world float  
To the dark side of the moon  
After all I knew it had to be  
Something to do with you  
I really don't mind what happens now and then  
As long as you'll be my friend at the end"  
_

"Did Frankie really come to my apartment to kill me, or did he think he could sweet talk me into getting back together? Until I went to call the police, he didn't show any signs of violence."

"Maybe Frankie did think he could get you back. You say he was setting the table when you came home?" Stella nods. "When he figured you really were leaving him for good, he decided to threaten you into getting back together with him."

"I had no idea if he had been planning on killing me all along or if he decided to when I broke up with him or while he was attacking me," Stella said frustrated.

"It could have been any of those really. But going back to what I just said. He knocked you out so maybe he was just going to leave you. Because you lied trying to convince him you loved him, he could have decided to kill you. What was it he said when you regained consciousness?" Mac asks.

"'I'm going to teach you a thing or two about crime scenes.' I still hear it. That's when he told me he was going to kill me." Mac wipes away a tear that fell onto her soft cheek. "It just hurts so bad to have someone I trusted and loved try to kill me. He almost succeeded. Do you have any idea why he had a key to my place if it wasn't planned for a while?"

"Well, he had never been to your place. Maybe he was going to give you a surprise or something that needed to be set up ahead of time; your birthday is next month and maybe he was planning something. It wouldn't have been all that hard to figure out where you live."

_  
"If I go crazy then will you still  
Call me Superman  
If I'm alive and well, will you be  
There a-holding my hand  
I'll keep you by my side  
With my superhuman might  
Kryptonite"  
_

"I've got a few questions I'd like to ask if you don't mind," he waits for her okay before continuing. "If he had been stalking you, why'd you go home?"

"I had no idea he even knew where I live, let alone had a key. Nor did I think he would physically hurt me," Stella answers.

"What's with the statue? Did Frankie make it out of love or what?"

"Last week I was with him when I got called in. We were, um, in bed. He was mad that I had to leave, maybe because he wouldn't have anything to put on the website. Frankie brought me the statue at work right after I finished the case. I googled aresanob when I got home – that is what he called it – and found one website. I was horrified when I saw what was on it and threw the statue out. He was upset that I had thrown it out, which he mentioned before tying me up. It's still sitting on my dresser; I forgot to destroy it."

"Why did you go for your gun instead of just getting out?" Mac asks gently touching her shoulder.

"I have no idea, Mac, I would have been better if I just got out. The door was actually closer than my gun. Then he'd probably still be alive too, and I would be able to have my questions answered. God, I'm so stupid. I wouldn't be having these nightmares. I loved him, Mac. And I killed him," Stella breaks down crying again.

Mac pulls her to him. "You're not stupid, Stella. He tried to kill you, and you did what you had to, to protect yourself."

_  
"You called me strong, you called me weak,  
But still your secrets I will keep  
You took for granted all the times  
I never let you down  
You stumbled in and bumped your head,  
If not for me then you'd be dead  
I picked you up and put you back  
On solid ground"_

"What do you think would have happened to me if the doorbell wouldn't have rung or I hadn't gotten free? And don't lie, Mac. I want the truth, or your whole opinion," Stella says, tears still falling down her cheeks but she wasn't sobbing any more.

"Well, I think Frankie would have cut you up, making you suffer for hurting him – ending your relationship. Maybe he would have… sexually assaulted you before. I guess you could have agreed to it, but… he still would have forced you. Since there wouldn't have been a gunshot the neighbors probably wouldn't have called 911. So Flack and I never would have saved you. We would have sent people over when you didn't show up for work or answer your cell. I guess that's when we would find you, all cut up and stuff," Mac says. After a few minutes he adds, "You might have had another chance to escape, but I don't think so."

"Nice to know I'd probably be dead if I hadn't escaped. If Frankie had checked the safety on my gun I'd be dead," Stella starts crying again. Mac pulls her into a hug.

"Stel, everything will be alright in time. Frankie didn't kill you, and he can't. It's okay," Mac whispers.

_  
"If I go crazy then will you still  
Call me Superman  
If I'm alive and well,  
Will you be there a-holding my hand  
I'll keep you by my side  
With my superhuman might  
Kryptonite  
Yeah!"_

"I have one last question," Stella says, pulling back. "What were you thinking when you heard the call to dispatch and then when you found me?" Mac pulls her back to him before he answers.

"I was so scared that you were hurt or dead. I kept thinking that I can't lose you too. You're my best friend, Stella. Without you I don't know where I'd be. When Flack and I were in your apartment I know we were both thinking 'what the hell happened here'. Then when I saw Frankie, I was sure he was dead. It was hard to see you where you were passed out. I couldn't help but think you were gone, especially when Flack confirmed my thought. I had to fell for your pulse, and I was so relieved to find one. It was sort of odd for your first words when you regained consciousness to be 'Where's Frankie' but I guess you needed to know, make sure you were safe. The whole time investigating I couldn't help but wonder how you managed to survive. You're amazing, Stella, really. I couldn't figure out why it happened to you of all people. Everyone was so relieved when the sexual assault kit came back negative. When I was taking you home I knew you shouldn't have seen your apartment yet. But you wouldn't take a hotel," Mac explains. "Geez, Stel, it's three. We both need to get some rest."

"See you in the morning. Later in the morning," Stella says laying back down.

"I'll always be here for you, Stella, no matter what. Sure you don't want the bed?"

"No, I don't. I'll be there for you too, Mac."

"We're partners. We look out for one another. Good night," Mac whispers.

_  
"If I go crazy then will you still  
Call me Superman  
If I'm alive and well, will you be there  
Holding my hand  
I'll keep you by my side  
With my superhuman might  
Kryptonite"  
_

Mac went to his bedroom to change into his pajama pants, deciding to keep his shirt on tonight for Stella's sake. As he left the bathroom with his teeth brushed, ready for bed, Mac couldn't resist going to his doorway to make sure she was okay. _'She's too fragile. I can't let her sleep on the couch. Since she's already asleep I'll carry her to my bed,' _he thinks to himself as he watches he sleep peacefully. Well, maybe not after what she went through, but she looks calm for once since the attack. Mac carefully took the blanket off her and put one arm under her knees and the other around her back. Stella, not being fully asleep, woke up. Before Mac could walk away after her laying her down and covering her with the blankets, she grabs his hands.

"Stay in here with me. Please, I know you'd be just in the other room, but I can't be alone," Stella pleads.

The fear in her eyes convinces him. "Okay," Mac lies down next to her. Immediately Stella moves closer to him, resting one hand on his shoulder, the other on his chest opposite her head. Mac puts one arm around her waist and rests the other hand on hers over his heart. Almost instantly Stella is fast asleep with him protecting her.

"I love you too, Stel," he whispers, knowing she most likely didn't hear him, and presses a kiss to the cut by her eye. _'This is how it should be every night. I need to tell her. I hope what she said was true,' _Mac thinks before falling asleep as well.

_  
"If I go crazy then will you still  
Call me Superman  
If I'm alive and well,  
Will you be there a-holding my hand  
I'll keep you by my side  
With my superhuman might  
Kryptonite  
Yeah!"_

**A/N: 3 Doors Down "Kryptonite". Thanks to my beta Pandy Roxy Chick. If you have time make me happy by reviewing. Thanks for reading.**


	3. Move Along

**Chapter 3: Move Along**

"_Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking  
When you fall everyone stands  
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking  
With the life held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
These hands are meant to hold"  
_

Stella woke up at six-thirty, the time her alarm usually went off, and found a sleeping Mac on top of her. Wondering why he hadn't gotten up yet if he had to work, she tries to slide out from under him for she was getting kind of squished. Unfortunately Mac was too heavy so she couldn't move. "Mac?" she said, shaking him gently. "Mac, you're going to be late for work."

"No, I still had half an hour to sleep," he mumbles looking at the clock. "Why do you get up so early?"

"It takes a while to do my hair and put on make-up."

"Your hair isn't naturally curly?"

"It is, but I have to wash and dry it every morning," she laughs.

"And you wear make-up because…? You look beautiful without it, Stel," he smiles and pushes her back onto the bed. "It's your day off."

"I still have to go to the counselor today. What's wrong with you, Mac?" Stella asks grinning.

"I decided it was not worth living if I'm still grieving Claire after five years. I'm back, Stella. The old me you keep asking about," he kisses the cut again.

"I'll make breakfast while you get ready for work. Oh, and welcome back, Mac," she kisses his cheek leaving him longing for her on the bed.

Mac walks into the kitchen twenty minutes later to find pancakes ready for him to eat. "Thanks, Stel, care to join me?" he notices the table only has one place set.

"No, I'm still not sure I can eat. I'll grab something before we leave," she heads to the bathroom.

"We?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'll drop you off at the lab, then go to the department."

"Lunch today after your appointment?"

"Okay, if you don't mind I think I might come back to work this afternoon. We can go from there," she closes the door.

"If you're sure you're ready," he calls.

_  
"Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
Move along  
Move along"  
_

"So, how did your psychologist session or whatever you want to call it go?" Mac asks after they ordered their drinks.

"Okay. He said that maybe it is best for me to go back to work. I need the schedule and organization to keep my mind off Frankie and what could have happened. I went through a lot, and as you said I did what I had to. Anyone else in my position would have done something similar. Basically the same things you told me last night," Stella explains. "Except when I cried he just offered me a box of tissues, didn't really comfort me like you did."

"If you think you're ready, you can come back; we're doing fine without you so don't feel like you have to come back right away. It does feel kind of off without you there, everyone hoped you were doing okay and said to call if you needed anything. Lindsay said you can stay with her if you felt uncomfortable with me and didn't want to go home or if you just needed to talk to another woman," Stella smiles as he said this. The waitress came back with their drinks and got their orders.

"I'll just have a salad," Stella said.

"Spaghetti," Mac said. The waitress went to place their orders, "You still not able to eat?'

"I don't know, but so I don't get sick if something comes up at work, looking at dead people might not agree with my stomach," she smirked as he stares at her scarred hands.

"You're working with me for now, and you can guarantee to be sent home if that happens. You need some protein, Stel," he teased.

"We'll stop at the grocery on the way to the lab and get a jar of peanut butter."

"I need to ask you something, Stella, is everything you say in your sleep true?" Mac asked, and she frowned.

"I don't know, what did I say?" Stella asked blushing, embarrassed.

_  
"So a day when you've lost yourself completely  
Could be a night when your life ends  
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving  
All the pain held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
Your hands are mine to hold"  
_

"The second time I had to wake you last night, on my couch when you fell off, I said your name, then you started to shout to me like I was in your dream. You told Frankie don't kill me because you loved me," Mac recalled.

"Um, so apparently when you called to me I thought it was you in my dream. Frankie came after me because I killed him, when I yelled to you for help he said he was going to kill you. I had no idea what I said in the dream and what I said in my sleep," Stella explains.

"Is it true? Do you love me?"

Stella breaks eye contact with him and sits for a couple minutes without answering. "When we first met and started working together I knew you were engaged to Claire, but I instantly fell in love with you. After nine eleven, I thought I could finally tell you, but you spent years grieving for Claire. I started giving you little hints towards how I felt about you. When you went out with Rose I was torn between happiness and jealousy. I wanted to be with you, I started going out with Frankie, then this happened, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to love again," Stella's eyes tear up, "I'm sorry if I just ruined our friendship, Mac, it's my fault."

"No, Stel, it isn't."

_  
"Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
Move along  
Go on, go on, go on, go on"  
_

"If it's anyone's fault, it's mine, I suppose I have loved you too since we met. But after Claire past, and you started helping me I loved you as more than a friend. The night I realized it I should have said something to you, I knew I wanted to move on with you," Mac grabbed her hand across the table. He put his other hand under her chin, lifting it so she would look at him. "If I had, none of this…with Frankie would have happened. I can't help but blame myself; you should have never had to have gone through all of this. When we found you unconscious I wanted to tell you, and ever since then. Last night when I heard you say what you did, it just amazed me that after all that you still loved me. In bed last night it just felt so right with you beside me; actually I told you I loved you last night after you had fallen asleep again, then I kissed your scar like I did this morning. I love you too, Stella, I want to be with you," Mac says, watching her eyes start to shine again with amazement.

"What are we going to do? I mean I love you, and I trust you with my life. The day you intentionally did something to hurt me is the day the world would end. I want to be with you so badly, but it doesn't seem right to do so soon," she says sadly.

"Why don't we try and deal with everything as it comes? We talk and can sense when the other is uncomfortable. Stella, we love each other, we'll make this work. I don't mind waiting if I have to."

Stella gives him an evil grin before leaning over the table to kiss him. "Not at work," she whispered, breaking the kiss. Mac nodded in agreement. "Get me caught up on the case."

"We have a homicide; the vic was raped, then strangled to death, possibly with a rope of some kind. Only suspect is a friend; DNA test wasn't complete when I left."

_  
"When everything is wrong, we move along  
Go on, go on, go on, go on  
When everything is wrong, we move along  
Along, along, along"  
_

"I never doubted your performance, Stella. You needed to talk to someone, a professional, before coming back," Mac says as they walk in the lab together.

"If this case doesn't have anything to do with guns or knives or domestic violence then it's not going to bother me," she insisted, the jar of peanut butter he insisted she eat in hand.

"But the next case might."

"Stella, why are you here? You can't be coming back to work already," Lindsay said, hugging her.

"I am, Mac wants me to work with him for a while. I couldn't just sit around all day and think about it," Stella smiles.

"Hey, Stel, I thought Mac said you were taking a few days off?" Danny called from across the lab.

"Not even Mac could keep me away, you know me, Danny," he hugged her cautiously, afraid she might fall apart.

"Hanging in there? Glad to see you back. What's the peanut butter for?" Hawkes came up from behind, "I see Mac's taking care of you."

"Yeah, he's making me eat the peanut butter so I have some protein. To be honest he helped me more than the psychologist did today," Stella smiles at Mac softly.

"You miss us, Bonasera?" Flack jokes, seeing the team gathered around her.

"No, I had to come back."

"Okay, party's over, everyone back to work," Mac says, his hand gently leading her away.

"Oh, before I forget, thank you all for helping me and offering me a place to stay, I appreciate it," Stella calls back to them.

"Okay, we need to go question someone, but first you need to get your gun back," he pulled it out of his desk drawer. Stella took it timidly as Sid enters.

"Hey, the DNA was a match to the friend from the rape kit. You've got one good aim there, Stella, Mac's lucky to have you as his partner," he says to her, causing Stella to smile mischievously at Mac.

_  
"When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through"_

"My husband…beat me, I'm sorry he's dead, but to be honest I don't miss him," the wife of the victim says. Stella flinches, still uncomfortable with what Frankie did. A week after coming back to work her mind couldn't seem to cooperate on DV cases the same as before. Stella couldn't help but remember what Mac said to Laura Jeffries. "You pulled the trigger once, I bet you had no trouble doing it the second time." His voice haunted her like Frankie's "I'll teach you a thing or two about crime scenes."

"We're going to have to swab your hands for gun shot residue to rule you out as a suspect," Stella said. Hawkes, sitting beside her, test the woman's hands. "You're free to go, we'll contact you when we know more," she said when nothing comes up with the GSR test.

"You alright, Stel?"

"Yeah, why don't you go print the gun? I'll meet you in there in a few minutes, I have to talk to Mac first," she stands.

"Okay, I'll run any prints and the serial number."

Stella was so busy trying to figure out a way to talk to Mac about what was bothering her she wasn't watching where she was going. With a thud Stella landed on top of Mac on the floor of the lab. "Sorry, Mac, I need to talk to you, maybe we should go to your office." He stands up and offers her a hand, which she takes. Then he leads her in the opposite direction he was headed a minute ago.

"Okay, Stel, what do you need to talk about?" Mac asks inside his office doors.

_  
"When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through"  
Go on, go on, go on, go on  
Right back what is wrong  
We move along"_

**A/N: "Move Along" All American Rejects. Thanks again to Pandy Roxy Chick for betaing(?). **_  
_


	4. Welcome to My Life

**Chapter 4: Welcome to My Life**

"_Do you ever feel like breaking down?  
Do you ever feel out of place?  
Like somehow you just don't belong  
And no one understands you  
Do you ever wanna run away?  
Do you lock yourself in your room?  
With the radio on turned up so loud  
And no one hears you screaming"  
_

Stella collapsed in his arms, "Do you need to switch cases?" She shook her head, "It's okay, Stel, just let it out, I know what you're going through, losing someone you loved," he whispers.

She pulls back out of his arms. "No," she said, "No, Mac, you have absolutely no idea what I'm going through. I know you blame yourself for Claire's death, but there's no way you could have done anything to save her, Mac, you were not one of the passengers on the plane; you weren't near the building when it collapsed. Mac, you were not the one who hijacked the plane that crashed into the tower; in no way are you responsible for Claire's death."

"Stella, I know that; what are you trying to get at?"

"You don't know what I'm going through. I killed him, Mac, I am responsible for shooting him, murdering him.-"

"Had you not, Stella, Frankie would be responsible for killing you!" Mac said, frowning, "I don't get why you are angry at me."

"Claire didn't betray your trust; she didn't try to kill you, Mac. How do you not get it? The only other person besides him I've ever loved is you. No one you trusted as much as I trusted him has hurt you as he hurt me; you've never had videos, private videos being taped behind your back, of you in bed with someone where everyone who searches your last name backwards can see them. Someone you loved has never attacked you because you broke up with them and tied your hands and ankle together with a phone cord. You've never cut yourself with a razorblade trying to escape from them before they killed you, and never have you shot someone you thought you loved to protect yourself," she starts crying.

"I guess I don't know what you're going through," he reaches out to wipe away the tears.

_  
"No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me  
To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life"  
_

"Leave me be, Mac. You've hurt me enough already," Stella said backing away.

"What are you talking about, Stella?" Mac questioned taking a step closer to her.

"If you had said something that night I took your tie off, this never would have happened. You knew how I felt yet you didn't say a word. Now after all that's happened you want to get together. I just shot my boyfriend, and you decide to tell me how you feel. I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to forgive you for putting me through this hell. This is your fault, Mac."

"Stel-" Mac begins but was cut off.

"And yet all you could do is leave me at my apartment even though you knew I couldn't face what was in that place. A hotel room, Mac? That does a lot to keep my mind off the fact that I was almost killed by my boyfriend. No, I had to sleep on the couch in my apartment building because my best friend couldn't do better than offer me a hotel room for the night. You left me, Mac, when I needed you most. After I helped you all those nights when you missed Claire, I thought you would have been a little more compassionate, but no," she shouts at him.

"I came back, didn't I?" he asks quietly.

"After I had to suffer by seeing my apartment covered in my blood, his blood. You don't let me go back to work the next morning because I need to take care of myself; sitting in my apartment reliving my nightmare isn't going to help me. Then you make me pour my heart out to some complete stranger who doesn't do more than offer you a box of tissues when you cry, not that you've done anything to help me through this!"

_  
"Do you wanna be somebody else?  
Are you sick of feeling so left out?  
Are you desperate to find something more?  
Before your life is over  
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?  
Are you sick of everyone around?  
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies  
While deep inside you're bleeding"  
_

"I'm sorry, Stel-"

"Sorry isn't going to cut it, Mac."

"Then what do you want me to do?" he asks angrily.

"Everyone keeps going on about me and the attack; I don't want to be the news going around the New York PD and Crime Lab. And then when they see me come along while they're talking behind my back, everyone lies saying they were not just talking about me. They go on like I'm some kind of celebrity; it's not something to be proud of, shooting your boyfriend because he attacked you." She pushed his hand away before continuing, "I'm not happy I was on the internet where everyone could watch me have sex with my boyfriend. Then if I hesitate just the slightest bit, you, Danny, Lindsay, Hawkes, and Flack are immediately around me making sure I'm okay, telling me everything will be alright eventually, it's okay to cry. I just want to be left alone. Everything's not going to be alright, Mac. I might appear alright on the outside, but inside I'm still hurting. It feels like someone stabbed me in the heart, and the blood is slowly leaking out into the rest of my body."

"I can't control what other people do, Stella, no matter how powerful you think I am," Mac said gently.

"It hurts so bad."

"You'll never go through it again, Stel. If you're with me, no one else will ever hurt you again. You're going to get past this, you're strong."

"You're doing it again," Stella shouted frustrated.

_  
"No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me  
To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life"  
_

"Not only did I hear what you told Laura Jeffries when you told it to her, but you said it straight to my face. You'll never find out how bad it hurts to be told that if you shoot someone, you would have no trouble shooting another. I have shot many people, Mac, and not only to save myself, but you and the rest of the team as well," Stella yells punching his chest.

"Stel, I wasn't talking about you. You shot Frankie…," he stops.

"In self-defense like Laura Jeffries. You have no explanation for saying that that excuses me," she said smugly.

"It's not like you shoot anyone that argues with you, Stella. If you did, I'd definitely be dead by now," Mac said, not succeeding in making her laugh.

"I'm sure she didn't either," Stella glances around the outside of Mac's office finding many co-workers staring at them, including Danny, Lindsay, and Hawkes, "Well, Mac, it looks like I'm still being watched over. I don't need them; I don't need you, Mac. This hasn't helped at all. We're through," she said walking behind his desk.

Outside everyone continued to stare, "Why are they fighting? She's still broken," Lindsay said. The other two shrug.

"Yes, Stella, you do need us, you do need me. And I need you. Let me help you get through this," Mac pleads.

_  
"No one ever lied straight to your face  
And no one ever stabbed you in the back  
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay  
Everybody always gave you what you wanted  
You never had to work it was always there  
You don't know what it's like, what it's like"  
_

"Mac, I've been through a lot, not just with Frankie, but when I was a kid, I could take care of myself then, and I can now. Leave me alone," Stella said, tears still threatening to fall through her tough façade.

"But I want to help-"

"All you've done is hurt me, Mac; I can't continue to be with you if it's hurting me, no matter how much I love you. I grew up alone; I can face being alone now. You hardly had to work to get this job. I worked hard to get where I am, and it wasn't easy coming from an orphanage."

"I had to work to get here too, Stella. I work just as hard as you do, and I'm sorry you haven't had an easy life, but you won't let me help you," Mac said in a raised voice, not yelling, especially not at Stella.

"Only because you keep hurting me. I can't live like that."

"Should we do something?" Danny asks as they watch Mac continue to try to comfort Stella. She either moved away or hit his hand away from her. She sank down to the floor against one of the back walls, tears rolling down her cheeks. For a couple minutes it looked like they were making up, but then she slaps him across the face.

"You don't know half of what I've been through all my life," they heard her yell at him. She stood, looking for something to throw at him.

_  
"To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like, what it's like"  
_

"I'm leaving," she shouts, not finding anything she feels like throwing at him.

"Fine, you could get fired for this."

"Go ahead, see if I care; maybe if I didn't have this stupid job I could find someone to spend the rest of my life with," Stella turned heading to the door. Mac grabbed a wrist and instantly heard a cracking sound, "Ow, what the hell was that for, Mac?" she asks pulling her arm away from him.

"I'm sorry, Stella. I just meant to stop you from leaving, not break your wrist," Mac says watching her wrist swell.

"Well you did. How am I supposed to get home? There's no way I can drive," she muttered angrily.

"I'll drive you," she gives him a glare. "Take a cab then, but first go to the hospital and get your arm checked. Send me all the bills; I'll take care of it," he added.

"This is all your fault," she said pushing him away with her good hand. Before letting go of the door, she shouted, "Just watch your back or you may be the next one I shoot, Mac."

"Stella, do you need me to take you home? Did he break it?" Lindsay asked.

Stella closes her eyes, "Yes to both, but I need to make two stops first: the hospital and Mac's house. Promise you won't ask about that or mention Mac to me?" Stella questioned, grabbing her purse from her locker, then headed to get ice.

"Fine, I'll get it out of Mac later," Lindsay mumbled to herself. Stella laughed at that, and her mood lightens considerably.

_  
"To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life  
Welcome to my life  
Welcome to my life"_

**A/N: "Welcome to My Life" Simple Plan. I'm going to be so angry if Mac gets together with the new girl. He can't. Even if they don't put he and Stella together right away 'cause she's probably still broken after all this with Frankie. Hopefully if Mac and the ME get together, Stella says how she feels or something and makes Mac realize he feels the same way.**


	5. Savin' Me

**Chapter 5: Savin' Me**

"_Prison gates won't open up for me  
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'  
Oh, I reach for you  
Well I'm terrified of these four walls  
These iron bars can't hold my soul in  
All I need is you  
Come please I'm callin'  
And oh I scream for you  
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"  
_

Mac walks inside her apartment immediately noticing how much nicer it looked without the blood. "Stella?" he calls out, receiving no answer. Walking into her bedroom he figures out why she didn't answer: Stella was asleep on her bed, nice and calm looking compared to the last time he saw her shouting in his office. Mac spots a white cast around her right wrist, the one he broke earlier. After a little searching he finds a permanent marker to write on it with. As he pulls back the covers so he has enough room to write, Mac sees something metal lying beside her, her good hand around the handle. Pulling the covers back further he finds it is her gun. At the loss of the warmth of the blankets Stella jerks awake.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to make sure you're alright. Don't get mad; I also came to apologize and explain to you why I was an idiot and why I deserve to be forgiven. What's the gun for, Stel? I'm not going to hurt you," Mac says putting a hand over hers on the gun. "It's not still for protection in your apartment, is it? Frankie can't hurt you."

"I know Frankie can't hurt me, and you breaking my wrist was an accident. Even if we are fighting you'd still never intentionally hurt me. The gun was for me," Stella admits, sitting up and putting the weapon in her holster on her belt.

"What do you mean?" Mac asks sitting down beside her on the bed.

"Nothing. I was just having some thoughts while laying here. I'm over it or will be when I hear this apology of yours," Stella smiles as he pulls her close, kissing the top of her head.

"Stella, please tell me you were not having suicidal thoughts," Mac looks at her worriedly.

"Mac, we're best friends, and we tell each other the truth, the whole truth. If I were to tell you I was not having suicidal thoughts, I would be lying to my best friend," she looks into his blue eyes. His eyes stare back into her shining emerald ones.

"Why?" he asks quietly, scared for his friend, afraid she might hurt herself.

_  
"Show me what it's like  
To be the last one standing  
And teach me wrong from right  
And I'll show you what I can be  
Say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth saving me"  
_

"I'm not sure I can explain, but I'll try. I suppose I feel partially that I don't deserve to live after shooting Frankie. Then I start thinking what the use of living is if I can't find anyone to have a family with. And I thought I lost my best friend because I had a big fight with him," Stella says softly. "I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't mean to yell at you. Most the things I said weren't true. All my anger has been building up since that night, and I guess this was all I could take. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on you."

"Don't be sorry, Stel. It's my fault too. Just don't hurt yourself. I need you, Stella. I don't know what I'd do without you. Actually I'd probably kill myself if I lost you. You still have so much to live for, Stella. It scares me to think you were having thoughts of killing yourself. If you accept my apology we'll still be best friends. You haven't lost me; I love you so much there's no way I could leave you. As for Frankie, he was a sick bastard and deserved to die a million times more than you. Stella, you haven't done anything wrong in your life to deserve to die," Mac tells her, gently laying her back on the bed.

"You don't know that. You have no idea what I did at the orphanage, what I was like. Haven't you ever wandered why I don't talk about my childhood at all? I haven't even told you," she whispers pulling him back on the bed.

"Yes, sometimes I do wonder what you're hiding. Usually I convince myself you just don't want to talk about it because it was a horrible experience, and you have a better life now. Stel, you don't have to tell me. I came over here to apologize; let me," Mac says scooting her so her head was on pillow before laying beside her.

_  
"Heaven's gates won't open up for me  
With these broken wings I'm fallin'  
And all I see is you  
These city walls ain't got no love for me  
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story  
And oh I scream for you  
Come please I'm callin'  
And all I need from you  
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"  
_

"I'm sorry, Stel. I don't know how else to say it. You're right; I don't know what it feels like to be displayed in public behind my back or how it feels to have someone I love attack me and tie me up. I've never cut myself trying to escape so I don't get killed. And although I have shot people in self-defense, never someone I loved. But I do know what it feels like to lose someone you loved and cared for," he watches her stare at the ceiling.

"It just hurt to hear you say you knew what I was going through when you really had no idea."

"Sorry if that upset you. If we could travel back in time to that night in my office, I would tell you everything: how I love you and want to be with you. I'm sorry because of me you had to suffer through these past few weeks. I was afraid that if we got together, we would have a big fight and not make up. I couldn't stand losing my best friend. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, me being a guy, and after all you just went through I was sure you wouldn't trust any man. I'm sorry I left you; I should have at least made sure you went to Lindsay's or something. Even better I should have known you needed me," Mac grabs her hand, attempting to hold it even with the cast on.

"You've been a lot of help to me, Mac. I was just so angry and frustrated, and it wasn't your fault," she wraps her fingers as best she can around his.

"The guys care about you; that's why we kept making sure you're okay. And eventually the bleeding will stop and heal itself. You'll be able to move on. No matter what I tell everyone they're still going to talk. Soon they'll find something else to gossip about." Stella laughs at the truth in the statement; the PD and lab were worse with gossiping than a bunch of school girls. "You shouldn't have heard what I said – I shouldn't have said it at all. I'm sorry, Stella. There's nothing I can do to fix that," Mac rolls over to her side and puts his arms around her protectively.

"Your voice saying that, it haunts me like Frankie's," Stella says grimacing.

"Hm, I'll have to think of something else to say to haunt you. I know you hate being pitied and that you're very independent from your childhood, but I'm sorry you had a hard life. I want to help you, Stella. I hope you understand."

_  
"Show me what it's like  
To be the last one standing  
And teach me wrong from right  
And I'll show you what I can be  
Say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth saving me  
Hurry I'm fallin'"  
_

"I do, Mac. I'm sorry too," Stella lifts her shirt up so he could see a faded scar going diagonally across her stomach.

"What is this?" Mac asks, running his fingers across the scar softly.

"This isn't the first time I've thought of suicide. I attempted to end my life when I was thirteen," she fights back the tears.

"Why? What happened?"

"I was friends with this one girl at the orphanage, Sarah, since I was five or six. We always walked to school together. She was my only true friend; I always had a partner when we had to work with someone else, because everyone thought I was really smart, not that I wasn't, and they thought I would do all the work and help them get a good grade, especially as I got older. But I never really became friends with them. One day Sarah told me she liked this guy, Zac. I wasn't interested in guys at the time, not until I was a junior thinking about it, so I wasn't jealous or anything. He happened to be in our science class. Sarah and I always worked together in any class we had together, and it happened that year science was the only thing we were in together. The teacher explained this big project to us and said we had to work with a new partner, someone we hadn't worked with before. I knew it wouldn't be long before I had someone asking me to work with them, but I wasn't expecting Zac to ask. I thought Sarah would ask him. She got all jealous that I was working with her guy and wouldn't talk to me at lunch. Zac, for some reason, did sit next to me, and we discussed our project. He was probably one of the best looking guys in our grade and got pretty good grades. Well, that afternoon Sarah and I didn't walk back to the orphanage together. Sarah never came back. The sisters filed a missing persons report, and I was questioned. That's when I decided I wanted to be a detective. I couldn't help but think it was my fault she was missing. A couple days later I took a pair of scissors to the bathroom with me and cut myself with the blade. Sister Melina found me and someone took me to the hospital to be stitched up. I always found it odd it was she who saved me, and Melina is my middle name. There was a school dance the next week, and Zac asked me to go with him. I said no in respect for Sarah in case she was ever found, not that she'd care after all she probably went through," Stella tells him and end up crying into his shoulder.

"Stella, promise me you'll come talk to me or someone if you feel like committing suicide," Mac says.

"I will," she mumbles.

"God, and whatever you do, however you feel, things will always get better. Just don't end it, Stella."

_  
"All I need is you  
Come please I'm callin'  
And oh, I scream for you  
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"  
_

Stella's cell rings while Mac is holding her, breaking the silence. "Bonasera."

"Okay, I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"I'm fine. It's Mac's fault again; he came to apologize. Bye."

To Mac she says, "I've got to go in. It turns out this lady had her friend kill her abusive husband. She wants to talk to me."

"Alright. I'll drive you," he offers, knowing she'll accept.

"How else am I going to get there?"

**---CSI: NY---**

"I just wanted it to stop. I was sick of being treated like that. You can't charge me for killing a man that beat me," the woman tells Stella.

"We'll let a jury decide that. I know what you're talking about, what you went through," Stella says.

"Yeah, right. Who would attack a detective? If I hadn't asked my friend to kill him he would have eventually killed me."

"Believe me, I know. I found videos of my boyfriend and I in bed together on the internet. When I didn't talk to him, he followed me, and I finally broke up with him. I came home to find him setting my table for dinner. When I went to make a call, Frankie pinned me against the wall. He practically dragged me to my dresser to look at this statue he made by my hair. Then my hands and ankles were tied together with the phone cord. I tried to convince him I loved him, but he knocked me out," Stella points to the still visible scar by her eye. "When I came to, Frankie dragged me to my bathroom. The doorbell rang, and when he went to answer it I broke my razor and used the blade to free myself. I didn't have time to get out so I hid behind the door and knocked it into him when he realized where I was. I ran for my gun, Frankie jumped on top of me, and tried to shoot but the safety was on. I shot him three times and passed out. Trust me, I know what you went through," Stella stands as they lead the woman to booking.

_  
"Show me what it's like  
To be the last one standing  
And teach me wrong from right  
And I'll show you what I can be  
Say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth saving me  
Hurry I'm fallin'"_

"So are we back together?" Mac asks as they eat the lasagna he made for dinner.

"Hm, I have to think about that?" Stella tilts her head to the side in her usual thinking pose. "Yes."

"You forgave me for hurting you?"

"Yes. You forgave me for arguing with you; why wouldn't I forgive you?" she smiles, pushing her plate away. "You're a pretty good cook, Mac."

"Thank you. How are you doing with your arm? Must be hard teaching yourself to do all these things left-handed," Mac comments.

"It's your fault, Mac. Therefore you get to help me with anything I can't do," Stella says evilly.

"I'm going to regret grabbing your arm," he mutters, cleaning up the dishes. "Go watch TV or get some rest or something, Stel."

"You're staying, right?" Stella asks, coming up to hug him from behind.

"If you want me to. I've got clothes for tomorrow in my bag."

"Good." She walks away smugly to lay down and rest.

When he finishes, Mac joins her. "Stella, I want to be the one to protect you, keep you safe from harm. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Stella."

"I love you too, Mac," Stella rolls onto him, kissing him long and slow, full of passion. Lips locked together they roll over. Mac pulls away, reaching for a marker on the nightstand.

"I forgot to sign," he explains, taking her arm.

"'Sorry. Get well soon. Love you a lot. Mac,'" Stella reads off her cast.

"And everyday you have your cast on I'll draw you a heart," he says, drawing the first one.

"How cute," Stella smiles kissing him again. She unbuttons his shirt, pulling it off. He pulls her shirt over her head and pushes her back. Slowly he traces the scar on her stomach with his lips, his hands moving to unbutton her pants as he goes back up to her neck and shoulders. Silently Mac asks her if she is ready. Stella nods, and he unbuckles his pants, pulling them off along with his socks and shoes, then takes hers off before climbing back on top of her.

"You're even more beautiful than I thought," Mac whispers.

"Please tell me you haven't hidden any video cameras in here," Stella says between kisses.

"Of course not, Stel. And even if I did I wouldn't let anyone see the tapes."

"_Say it for me_

_Say it to me_

_And I'll leave this life behind me_

_Say it if it's worth savin' me"_

**A/N: Nickelback "Savin' Me." Thanks to Pandy Roxy Chick for being my beta. I'll warn you now there's a character death in the last chapter.**


	6. You're Beautiful

**Chapter 6: You're Beautiful**

"_My life is brilliant  
My life is brilliant  
My love is pure  
I saw an angel  
Of that I'm sure  
She smiled at me on the subway  
She was with another man  
But I won't lose no sleep on that,  
'Cause I've got a plan"  
_

Remember when we met?" Stella asks as they watch some romantic comedy on TV in his apartment after a long day at work.

"How could I forget, Stella?" Mac smiles as she climbs into his lap. He wraps his arm around her as she leans her head on his shoulder.

_Mac headed to his office with a cup of coffee in one hand and a pile of folders under his other arm, the résumé of a woman hoping to transfer from Narcotics on top. He was meeting her this morning to interview her for a job as a CSI alongside him._

_Detective Taylor walked into his office, not noticing the woman already inside. He stopped dead in his tracks in front of his desk. The woman applying, Stella Bonasera, was sitting in his chair behind his desk like it was no big deal._

"_You must be Miss Bonasera," he held out his hand for her to shake. "I'm Detective Mac Taylor."_

_She shook his hand, "Call me Stella. Sorry I was in your chair and all. I was just wondering what it felt like to be the boss."_

"_It's alright," Mac smiled at her. "Have a seat."_

_Fifteen minutes later Stella had the job. "When can you start?"_

"_Right now or tomorrow if you want," she said._

"_Okay, I'll see you tomorrow at eight-thirty," Mac shook her hand again and watched her curls bounce around her head as she left._

"You're the only one who has ever sat in my chair, ever dared to sit in the boss's chair," Mac laughs.

"Yeah, I was quite mischievous. I always got in trouble at the orphanage when I was little," Stella remarks.

"You still are," he teases.

"But you still love me," she grins.

_  
"You're beautiful, You're beautiful  
You're beautiful, it's true  
I saw your face in a crowded place  
And I don't know what to do  
'Cause I'll never be with you"  
_

"When did you realize I loved you?" Stella asks.

"That day you kissed me in the lab last year. I was working the case where the bride died with Danny," Mac recalls. "I couldn't stop smiling after you kissed me." Stella laughs.

"Why did you become a detective?"

"I wanted to be a Marine, because I wanted to protect our country and be like my father, despite my mom telling me I would die in battle like my dad. When I came back I still wanted to protect our country. What better way than to put away criminals since I had already served in the military?" Mac tells her.

"Why New York City? Why not Chicago or somewhere else close to your family?" Stella yawns sleepily.

"New York has the most crimes, highest crime rate; however you want to say it. I needed to get away from my mom for awhile too, and there were no openings. Plus NYPD cops are the most feared in the world," he smirks. "How come you never left New York after all your bad memories here as a kid?"

"It's home. No matter how much I hate it here, I still love this stupid city. And I never did find my friend. No evidence was found that she was killed so there's still hope she's out there." Mac glances at her confusedly. "I looked it up in the records. One of the first things I did on the job, because no one at the orphanage would tell me anything. I still check it periodically to see if anything has been found."

"Ah, a cold case that haunts you even though you weren't working on it?" he smiles.

"Something like that. I can't help but blame myself for her disappearance."

"You're falling asleep. Time for bed, Stel," Mac lifts her up, carrying her to the bed.

"I can't help that you make a good pillow," Stella teases.

And so the two fall asleep in each others' arms never expecting what fate had in store for them the next day.

_  
"Yeah, she caught my eye  
As we walked on by  
She could see from my face that I was  
Flying high  
And I don't think that I'll see her again  
But we shared a moment that will last till the end"  
_

Five hearts since she got her cast on Stella sat on a park bench waiting for a suspect to come up to her. They knew he would, and then the others would come out and surround him. But something didn't feel right. She had no idea why because she had done this so many times before.

"Hello, what's a beautiful lady like yourself doing here all alone on a day like this?" a man, whom she recognized from the photos as Ralph Peterson, says, sitting beside her on the bench.

"It's my day off so I thought I'd enjoy the warm weather while I could," she smiles nervously.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a detective."

"Oh, should I be afraid?" he teases.

"Not unless you've done something wrong."

"I see you have no ring on your finger. How could someone as gorgeous as you not be married?" he asks, putting a hand on her knee.

"With my work schedule there's little time for a personal life," she cringes as the man slides his hand up a little on her leg.

"Did you hurt your arm on a case?"

"No, actually my partner and I got in a big fight, and he grabbed my arm to keep me from leaving and ended up breaking my wrist."

"Got any plans for tonight?" the man asks. "Who's Mac?"

"My partner. No."

"Why did he write 'love you' on your cast?" Ralph wraps an arm around her shoulders.

Mac couldn't take it anymore. Stepping out from behind the tree closest to Stella he fires. But just at that moment Stella moves her arm up a little, into the path of the bullet. It goes through her arm leaving a hole in it, blood pouring out, and hits Ralph in the shoulder.

Ralph takes a knife from his pocket and stabs Stella in the stomach. He runs, leaving Stella there to bleed to death. Lindsay and Flack run after him with a few uniforms as Mac runs to Stella hoping to save her.

_  
"You're beautiful, You're beautiful  
You're beautiful, it's true  
I saw your face in a crowded place  
And I don't know what to do  
'Cause I'll never be with you"  
_

"Stella, hold on. Help's on the way. Just a few more minutes, Stel," Mac tells her. He had tied a tourniquet around her arm to slow the bleeding and was holding his shirt to the wound around the knife in her stomach, applying pressure to keep the blood from leaving her body. Mac knew not to pull the knife out, or she would definitely die from blood loss before the ambulance arrived.

"I'm not going anywhere, Mac. I won't leave you," she says, her head resting in his lap.

"God, I can't live without you, Stella. You're my everything," he whispers to her as an ambulance pulls up. "Don't leave me."

"I won't."

The paramedics put her on the gurney and load her in the back. Mac climbs in behind them. "I'm her friend and partner," he explains to their questioning looks. They nod approval.

Stella grabs his hand with the one the paramedic is not attending to with the gun shot wound. "This is my fault. I should have gotten you away from him before shooting. I'm so sorry," he squeezes her fingers in reassurance. "Hang in there."

"Δεν είναι το ελάττωμά σας, Mac. Πρόκειται να είμαι εντάξει," Stella tells him in her native tongue.

"Do you understand her? What language is that?" one paramedic asks.

"Greek, I believe. And no, I don't know exactly what she's saying, but I've got an idea. She said not to blame myself for this; she'll be okay," Mac says, and Stella nods.

"I'm afraid not. There's not much we can do to help. She's lost too much blood already."

"No, Stella. You can't leave me," Mac tells her as her eyes flutter closed. She opens them, and a tear escapes from both of their eyes.

"Λυπάμαι, Mac. Αντίο. Σας αγαπώ," Stella whispers in Greek, closing her eyes again. "I love you, Mac," she repeats in English as her body shakes with her last breath.

"I love you too, Stella. Goodbye," Mac whispers back, tears falling down his cheeks. He puts his bloodstained hand on her cheek and kisses her one last time.

_  
"You're beautiful, You're beautiful  
You're beautiful, it's true  
There must be an angel with a smile on her face  
When she thought up that I should be with you  
But it's time to face the truth  
I will never be with you"_

**A/N: James Blunt "You're Beautiful." Thanks to Pandy Roxy Chick for betaing and for everyone else who read and/or reviewed this story. I'm so sorry I killed Stella. I was almost crying when I wrote this. I'm starting to get worried with all the Mac/Peyton rumors. I mean, I know Stella is probably still not over Frankie but… Mac and Stella just have to be together eventually when they're both healed.**


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